Romeo and Juliet Go to Heck
by IcePrincess777
Summary: A musical parody of Romeo and Juliet. It's not done yet, but read and review if you like.
1. Act 1 Scene 1

There are many more fics I should be working on right now, but it's my goal  
to do this by the end of the summer. I don't own any of the songs in this  
unless I say so specifically. Shakespeare never got a copyright for any of  
his stuff so technically I could say that I own it and no one could sue me  
or anything. But so that his ghost doesn't haunt my nightmares, I'll just  
say that I don't own Romeo + Juliet. Damn you conscience. Why must you take  
all the fun out of life?  
  
Romeo and Juliet Go to Heck: The Musical  
  
Enter a midget in oversized gangsta garb with a mike.  
  
Midget: Yo, yo, yo This really crazy story I'm about to rap,  
  
Started all these sickened romance trends just like that!,  
  
No this play will never die, not the cliché at least,  
  
Don't believe me? Then go see shit like West Side Story!,  
  
'Cept we don't have dances just one real lazy author,  
  
Do you all want to help me kill the choreographer?  
  
*midget is dragged offstage with a huge candy cane*  
  
*enter Sam and Greg, with wooden swords and wearing buckets on their heads*  
Sam: Mark my words, we'll not carry coals.  
  
Greg: Because then we would be collies?  
  
Sam: No, I'm already using my head to store other useless things.  
Greg: Oh oh! I've got a really good joke! Remember the stuff I'm about to  
say.  
Sam: Okay, I've just got to move over other stuff like the lines to this  
play.  
Greg: *gasp* Shut up! You're not supposed to say that on stage!  
Sam: Oops.  
  
Greg: Okay, okay. Some sawdust, old newspapers, dust bunnies and .okay  
maybe not coal anymore. Joke ruiner. Got that all in your head doggie?  
  
Sam: Yes.  
  
Greg: I thought so! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *has an asthma attack and turns  
blue*  
Sam: And I'm not a doggie. That would make me a They-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.  
*collective shudder*  
  
Greg: *comes back to life* Ewww. Don't say that name.  
Sam: *takes sword out again* My naked weapon is out: quarrel and I will  
back thee!  
Greg: Why do you keep saying stuff like that?! This will be R rated soon if  
you don't watch your potty mouth!  
  
Sam: I was talking about my sword you idiot.  
  
Greg: Let's suck our thumbs!  
  
*Enter Abraham and Balthazar*  
  
Abraham: Do you suck your thumb at us, sir?  
  
Sam: No. I'm just getting saliva all over it.  
  
Balthazar: Mmmm.Saliva. Good band.  
  
Greg: *sing* A voice, is telling me don't be so blind  
  
Sam: It's telling me all these things, that you would probably hide  
Abraham: Am I, your one and only desire?  
  
Balthazar: Am I the reason you breathe? Or am I the reason you cry?  
All: Always, always, always, always, always, always, always  
*enter Benvolio*: I just can't live without you!  
  
*singing stops* *enter Tybalt*: What in bloody heck is going on here?! The  
house of kitty cats should never mix with the bloody house of puppies!  
  
Sam: You thinking what I'm thinking?  
  
All: *yell* NOT QUITE CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!!!! *fight as cavemen with clubs  
chase a wooly mammoth though the background, then stop and fight the  
quarrelling Montagues and Capulets instead. They have lower IQs.*  
  
Cavemen: I have a deathwish and it lives in your lower intestines!  
*enter jock Capulet and cheerleader Lady Capulet*  
  
Lady Capulet: Like go Capulets like!  
  
Tybalt: *caveman gets blood on his sleeve* My bloody sleeve! It's all  
bloody!! *kills caveman*  
  
*enter Montague and Lady Montague*  
  
Lady Montague: Like whose side are the like cavemen on like?  
Montague: Do I look like I know? I just overdosed on steroids and I'm  
trying to keep my brain from falling out of my ear.  
  
Lady Montague: But it like fell out like last like week like remember like?  
Montague: I would need a brain to remember something like that.  
*enter the prince of darkness and attendants*  
  
Ozzy: SHAROONNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*Montagues and Capulets bow down, cavemen look confused and resume chasing  
mammoth*  
  
Sharon: What in the hell is going on here?  
  
Ozzy: Uh-uh dunno i's like I came here and all of these cavemen and them  
damned kittens and puppies were fightin again and if I catch you doin it  
again I'll send you all to Jack's room! You don wanna know wut's in there.  
  
All: Yes your highness. *all leave except for Puppy man, lady puppy man and  
Benvolio*  
Montague: So how did this mess start?  
  
Benvolio: Sam and Greg were sucking their thumbs and it ticked Tybalt off.  
Montague: No, I meant the part about the cavemen.  
  
Benvolio: Oh. I don't know. Might have had something to do with that  
historically misplaced wooly mammoth.  
  
Lady Montague: Like where's Romeo like?  
  
Benvolio: I saw him using the ability of his legs to propel himself in an  
east south east direction exactly 60 minutes and 42 seconds before the  
solar system's star made its light available to this hemisphere. Must have  
been adolescent angst induced by hormones and aggravated by external  
conditions.  
Montague: In English please?  
  
Benvolio: He was walking around about an hour before the sun came up,  
moping because some girl didn't like him.  
  
Montague: Oh. I was starting to think he was a vampire or something.  
*enter Romeo*  
  
Lady Montague: Let's like go, I don't want to catch his vampire cooties.  
*exit Montague and Lady Montague*  
  
Benvolio: What seems to be distressing you?  
  
Romeo: Benvolio, how many times have I told you to quit using big words  
like what and you?  
  
Benvolio: Exactly three hundred twenty seven times. But why should I have  
to lower my IQ for you?  
  
Romeo: Because if you don't I'll have you executed when my father dies and  
I'm in charge of the Montagues.  
  
Benvolio: Alright, I'll try to get stupider.  
  
Romeo: That's more like it! I don't even know if alright is a word!  
Benvolio: It is.  
  
Romeo: Oh well. I can't concentrate on grammar right now.  
Benvolio: Why not?  
  
Romeo: It's a long story. But I'll save you a two page explanation in verse  
like in the original play and tell you in song form.  
  
(Get Free-The Vines)  
  
I'm gonna get free,  
  
I'm gonna get free,  
  
I'm gonna get free, ride into the sun  
  
She never loved me,  
  
She never loved me,  
  
She never loved me, why should anyone?  
  
Come here, come here, come here,  
  
I'll take your photo for you,  
  
Come here, come here, come here,  
  
Drive you around the corner,  
  
Come here, come here, come here,  
  
You know you really oughta,  
  
Come here, come here, come here  
  
Move out to California  
  
Get(get)  
  
Me(me)  
  
Far(far)  
  
When I have a lot to lose  
  
Save (save)  
  
Me (me)  
  
From (from)  
  
Here (here)  
  
When it's pretty time  
  
Look into your mind  
  
Don't wait  
  
I'm gonna get free,  
  
I'm gonna get free,  
  
I'm gonna get free, ride into the sun,  
  
She never loved me,  
  
She never loved me,  
  
She never loved me, why should anyone?  
  
(Come here, come here, come here)  
  
I'll take your photo for you,  
  
(Come here, come here, come here)  
  
Drive you around the corner,  
  
(Come here, come here, come here)  
  
You know you really oughta,  
  
(Come here, come here, come here)  
  
Move out to California  
  
Benvolio: This is 16th century Heck. Where in the world is California?  
Romeo: I don't know. *music is heard* The ice cream truck!!  
*Romeo and Benvolio exit*  
  
End Act 1 Scene 1 


	2. Act 1 Scene 2

Capulet: So what is it you wanted to talk to me about?  
  
Paris: Well, I'm getting old in my old age, libido slowing down and that  
whole thing.  
Capulet: Honestly! If you don't quit it with the innuendo this will be R  
rated in no time!  
Paris: Innuendo? How did you know a big word like that?  
*cue card guy hits Paris with a brick*  
  
Paris: Ow.  
  
Capulet: *reads Verona Times headlines. PUPPIES KICK KITTEN BUTT, CEASER'S  
GHOST HAUNTS SHAKESPEARE'S LATEST PLAY, FOOD IS GOOD*  
Capulet: So what does that whole innuendo thing have to do with me? I'm  
happily married in case you're wondering about anything having to do with  
that.  
Paris: No, no, nothing to do with you. At least not directly.  
  
Capulet: Then what do you want? My fist has an appointment with the village  
idiot's face at ten.  
  
Paris: Can I marry your daughter?  
  
Capulet: O_O ARE YOU BLEEPING MAD?!  
Paris: Yes, quite possibly.  
  
Capulet: Why should I let you?  
  
Paris: Since this is a musical, I'll explain it to you in song.  
  
(Crazy For This Girl by Evan and Jaron)  
  
She rolls the window down,  
  
And she talks over the sound,  
  
Of the cars that pass us by,  
  
And I don't know why,  
  
But she's changed my mind,  
  
Would you look at her she looks at me,  
  
She's got me thinking about her constantly,  
  
But she don't know how I feel,  
  
And then she carries on without a doubt,  
  
I wonder if she's figured out,  
  
That I'm crazy for this girl,  
  
She was the one to hold me,  
  
The night the sky fell down,  
  
And what was I thinking when,  
  
The world didn't end,  
  
Why didn't I know what I know now?  
  
Will you look at her she looks at me,  
  
She's got me thinking about her constantly,  
  
But she don't know how I feel,  
  
And then she carries on without a doubt,  
  
I wonder if she's figured out,  
  
That I'm crazy for this girl,  
  
Right now,  
  
Face to face,  
  
All my fears,  
  
Pushed aside,  
  
And right now,  
  
I'm ready to spend the rest of my life,  
  
With you,  
  
Will you look at her she looks at me,  
  
She's got me thinking about her constantly,  
  
But she don't know how I feel,  
  
And then she carries on without a doubt,  
  
I wonder if she's figured out,  
  
That I'm crazy for this girl,  
  
Will you look at her she looks at me,  
  
She's got me thinking about her constantly,  
  
But she don't know how I feel,  
  
And then she carries on without a doubt,  
  
I wonder if she's figured out,  
  
That I'm crazy for this girl,  
  
I'm crazy for this girl  
  
Capulet: That was..  
  
Paris: Sensational? Marvelous? *squints at cue cards* Gr-gr.  
Capulet: Sound it out.  
  
Paris: Greeate?  
  
Capulet: Whatever that means, no. It sucked. Like a bloodthirsty vampire  
bat. And what's a car? How can you roll down a window?  
  
Paris: No idea. Ask the songwriter.  
  
Capulet: If that's all, then get out of my office.  
  
Paris: But this is your broom closet.  
  
Capulet: I broke my wife's favorite vase and I have to hide out from her  
for a while.  
Paris: I'm rich and stuff. I'll give you twenty vases if you let me marry  
Juliet.  
Capulet: Hmm. That is tempting. But what would I do with the other 15  
vases?  
Paris: 19.  
  
Capulet: Whatever.  
  
Paris: You could use them to hold the water that leaks through the leaky  
roof of your marriage, each raindrop another brick on the road to emotional  
hell.  
Capulet: Woah. I didn't let you in here to get all melodramatic on me.  
Paris: The cue card guy told you to say that?  
  
Capulet: How did you know?  
  
Paris: I just did. So what about Juliet?  
  
Capulet: I'll make a deal with you. I'm having a party tonight. You can  
come and introduce yourself to Juliet. If she doesn't vomit in disgust, you  
can marry her.  
Paris: Yay!! Thank you extreme lateness of under 16 over 18 laws!!  
*Capulet and Paris exit*  
  
*Enter Romeo and Benvolio*  
  
Benvolio: Hey Romeo! Did you hear about old man Capulet's party tonight?  
Romeo: Will Rosaline be there?  
  
Benvolio: I don't know. Maybe you can meet someone else there.  
Romeo: What if I don't?  
  
Benvolio: You have to. You're the protagonist!  
  
Romeo: In that case I should go get all those tattoos that say Rosaline  
removed.  
*Romeo and Benvolio exit* 


	3. Act 1 Scene 3

Lady Capulet: Nurse, where's my daughter? I'm too lazy to call her myself.  
  
Nurse: *sigh* I don't get paid enough for this. JULIET!! GET DOWN HERE!!  
  
*Enter Juliet*  
  
Juliet: What do you want?  
  
Nurse: Yo mama called.  
  
Juliet: The one who's so fat she can't fit in a chat room?  
  
Nurse: Uh huh.  
  
Lady Capulet: Hey! I'm like still in the room!  
  
Juliet: Oh yeah. What did you want?  
  
Lady Capulet: How old are you?  
  
Juliet: You're my mother. Presumably you were there at my birth, unless there's something about me being a test tube baby that you're not telling me. And you don't know how old I am?  
  
Lady Capulet: Not a clue.  
  
Juliet: *sigh* I'll be 14 in a few weeks.  
  
Lady Capulet: Nurse, how stand the marriage laws in this time period?  
  
Nurse: What marriage laws?  
  
Lady Capulet: Excellent. Well, I have some news that you will probably end up repeating to a psychologist some day!  
  
Juliet: What now?  
  
Lady Capulet: Paris has asked for your hand in marriage!  
  
Nurse: Why doesn't he want the rest of her?  
  
Lady Capulet: Oh, he does. Speak briefly, can you of Paris's love?  
  
Juliet: Not without going into the mandatory musical.  
  
*Paris is home, dancing to some rock music and singing*  
  
(Audioslave Light My Way)  
  
In my hour of need, on a sea of gray,  
  
On my knees,  
  
I pray to you,  
  
Help me find the bones of the dying dead,  
  
Will you light my way?  
  
Won't you light my way?  
  
Won't you light my way?  
  
Won't you light my way?  
  
The bullet is a man,  
  
From time to time he strays,  
  
I compare my life to theirs,  
  
To this I remain,  
  
And unwilling to listen to your answers,  
  
And I'm not ashamed to tell you that I need you today,  
  
Won't you light my way?  
  
Won't you light my way?  
  
Won't you light my way?  
  
Won't you light my way?  
  
And so when I'm lost,  
  
And I'm tired and depressed,  
  
And when my mind goes astray,  
  
Won't you light my way?  
  
Don't save it for another day,  
  
Don't save it for another day,  
  
Hey! Don't save it for another day,  
  
Hey! Don't save it for another day,  
  
Hey! Don't save it for another day,  
  
Won't you light my way?  
  
Won't you light my way?  
  
Won't you light my way?  
  
Won't you light my way?  
  
*End scene* 


End file.
